Far Beyond My Control

I am far beyond words can express exhausted, tired, confused, blank...  Eight hours of sleep gone to the waste because my mind cannot stop thinking.  I can't stop thinking of the past few weeks of everything that has happened and yet I still can't manage to fully understand the series of events that occurred and what am I supposed to do.  I am lost beyond my own control and right now all I want to do is go to sleep for as long as this lasts and wake up to notice only a weird dream.  I wish with all my heart that it I were like that.  I am in so much pain.  I can't think anymore. I can't cry anymore. I don't understand anymore.  

I don't understand how things got to be this way... I really wish I could simply close my eyes and let this be the end of all.  I think of you and everything that has happened. I don't now if to feel guilty, victimized or the way I'm feeling right know confused.  I think of the words of my family...

My brother telling me to take my time to think things through to go away and think.  Him telling mom that those are actions of someone that has someone else.  My sister and her husband telling me that this was Crónica de una muerte anunciada, that I deserve way much better and that I deserve someone that will respect me.

My constant fights with my mother asking her to respect me and not to get involved in my relationship.  Her telling me that I disrespected my family when I decided to have an intimate relationship with someone I loved.  With me getting so mad at her that without noticing I insulted her.

I think of everything that has happened since, and I am far beyond devastated.  I think of our last fight and all the events that have happened afterwards.  I think of how we were in a "break" in which we were no longer together and I never knew about it.  I think of how, when I was at home feeling devastated you were out with you those people who really are not you're friends.  I think of how you decided to talk to some girl about us, not a female friend you already knew, some random person you met.  How you decided to let her in our personal problems and how after we had decided to be together she decides to "kiss you" because she is drunk.  I think about this and I can't help but to think that it was all your fault, why did you give her your number? Why were you talking about us to her?  Why? Why? Why? Why if you didn't have anything with her, did you have to see her to end things?  I can't help thinking that you screwed this up far beyond what it was.  And you still dare to say that you love me and you want to be with me.

I am far beyond lost in confusion, pain, and so many other emotions I don't recognize.  And yet the question that keeps spinning in my head over and over and over again... ¿Que hago?